I've MOVED!

Yeah, you heard me. I just did :) I will be using this blog below from now on. This old one will still be around for others to read.

"An Artist's Ramblings"

Or you can add me as a link in your blog:

http://spiritedlyinsane.blogspot.com/

Greetings from the Land of the Kiwis

Kiaora everyone :)

(pronounced as 'kia-o-ra' which means hello and also goodbye in Maori language)

Everything happened so fast, I barely had the time to update myself on anything. Better update before people start worrying about me.

I finally got an air ticket on the 1st Feb (only difference are the airline and the time). Praise the Lord! Packing was really a rushed and I fell sick with a flu and fever. I was supposed to mail an email regarding about me leaving to NZ to all my friends and ministry. I was sad that I was not able to say goodbye before leaving because I was so sick. So here's one from me:

"Goodbye my friends and loved ones! I will miss all of you!"

Everything went well with the flight and transit. I left at 1.20pm from KLIA to Hong Kong. Walk around the airport, got myself something to eat and drink, waited for about 3 hours before my next flight to Auckland.

So right now, I'm with my aunt and uncle in Auckland. A place called Dannemora. I will be here for a week as they wanted to show me around Auckland (city and countryside). *winks* Oh yes... sheeps! I am as usual my excited old self. You know how I scream and jump up and down in excitement when things are so new for me. I find that I amuse my uncle (who is a Kiwi btw and my aunt, a Malaysian).

I will be leaving to Wanganui (where I am supposed to be actually) this Thursday. For now, I am really enjoying myself. I am eating healthily (thank God, for once!) and I love the cool and clean weather here, though hot (it's summer now). I will definitely dread winter, though. Anyways, just letting you know that I am okay and that everything is well with me. Don't worry, this is just a gist of everything. The real details will be uploaded in a week's time I guess (when I've settled in Wanganui) with pics in it too. I have taken great pictures! Start anticipating for them!

For your information, I won't be using this blog in the near future (though I will not shut this account down) and will inform you as soon as I've started a new blog. Since I've started a new life in a different homeland, I would want to post my journals of my life here in a newer one too.

God bless everyone! =)

Okay, mission has been completed. I don't have to worry about me updating for now.

Kiaora!

Everyday

Morning dawns and evening fades
Trees grow, leaves fall
Water gushes into streams of valley;
A routine one sees everyday
Though she sees,
Her heart seems far away
Stomach churns and heart aches
But sighing is all one can make

In the light of day
Seeing oneself looking at the ticking clock
As her life slowly chips away
The same thing,
The same routine one does everyday

She began to see what was not to be
What reflects from her eyes were not
The way how things should be,
Light began to fade in the bright shining sunshine
Flowers seem to wither in the full blossom of its petals
Rainbow loses the vibrancy of its colours
Leaving black and white stripes spreading across the sky
Insulting its creator

She shakes in dismay,
Losing herself in her dismal thoughts
Unable to control what she sees,
How she feels
Looking at her pathetic self
Who used to be ravished by sunshine,
Pampered by day
Knowing now she is nothing,
But a speck of dust and a strand of hay;
Smile seems to fade
Beauty seems to wither as she glances at the mirror
Oh, how she longs to see
What was meant to be

It dawns on her
How vulnerable life can be
Realizing the world is a predator
And the prey is she
With great strenuousness, she looks above the sky
Looking for the one and only,
Love of her life.

She cried her heart out,
Overflowing great sorrow and despair
Holding and clinging to him like never before;
She then felt warmth of an arm
Embracing her like no other
He drew close to her ears,
And whispered to say,
“Do not worry my dear, I will see to you everyday.”

Overwhelming Shock

This can't be happening.

I am worried sick.

I was informed by my dad yesterday that the travel agent had inadvertently cancelled my booking due to a technical problem of the computer system which had erased all its memory. Apparently, the travel agent could only logged in the next day and by this time my booking had been taken up. (this happened when we had booked 2 months earlier)

Is God trying to tell me something? Why is this happening?

I am completely devastated and overwhelmed with shock. It is a nightmare to hear this news since my expected departure date is soon due but yet there is no available seat for the moment. According to dad, the agent is soliciting help from the MAS personnel directly and putting me on standby for either 31/01/07, 01/02/07 or 02/02/07. I am hoping against hope and praying diligently that somehow God will intercede my prayers and make my dream come true.

Why is she (the travel agent) so irresponsible? Why didn't she inform us earlier? She could have. But no... she had to inform us now. We could have change our plans earlier instead at this very last minute. I am utterly upset with her. God help me...

Hence, I had quickly informed my friend Katherine who was supposed to be flying together with me to reschedule her flight route since my ticket is still not available. Therefore, she will be flying straight to Wanganui herself. We're supposed to be in Auckland with my aunt and uncle to visit for a week before heading down south. Unfortunately, we have to go our separate ways. And if everything goes well, I will be heading to Auckland... alone. By myself.

It's not that I'm scared being alone or anything. It's just that I'm really upset that everything is not going as planned. And such calamity has to happen at this very hour. In fact, it has already happened two months ago without my knowledge. Yes, I am supposed to be flying in less than a week!

And I don't have a ticket.

I'm done crying for now. What would tears bring you anyway? I am praying so hard. My heart is beating so anxiously. So much so, it is going to be ripped out of my chest.

Please pray with me so that I would obtain a flight ticket on any one of those days.

Please.

Wasabe & Chocolates

I’m so green with envy with you guys (Lifeliners).

Whenever I get the weekly newsletter informing about the latest updates and activities that are held in SFX or CKK, my heart just aches with envy. Every time when I receive them, my heart bursts out screaming:

“I WANT TO JOIN TOO!!!”

... stomping my feet away like a little girl who could not get what she wants.

You know, I usually never miss out important, annual events. Events like the AFR! (Amazing Fearless Race!). And normal activities like cell group meetings, praise and worship sessions and not to mention the after-session fellowships at mamak stalls. I miss life masses! Gosh, you can imagine how I long to jump up and down, clapping, dancing and swaying to the beat during mass. Unlike the normal, traditional old hymns sung during normal masses. Not complaining or anything. Life mass is just one of a kind. It’s upbeat and unique. And I really miss that. I miss leading praise and worship, playing the keyboard and singing during life masses. Gosh, how I long to place my fingers on the keyboard again. *dreamy eyes*

I miss you guys too… I really do.

Life in Malacca has not been dull. Besides eating uncontrollably *winks* and the non-stop shopping of unnecessary accessories and clothing, life’s been great. Of course, there are the initial feelings of jealousy (all mentioned above) once in awhile. Okay, I lied. Let me rephrase that.

“Of course, there are the initial feelings of jealousy all the time.”

Okay, but I do try to suck it in and try my best to live peacefully and gratefully with what I have here back home. Yeah, like food. Food. And food. Thank you, Jesus! See. I am being grateful :)

Besides that, mum’s been nagging. Asking me to pack my things and my room. My mum and dad have been giving me all kinds of advices too. Yeah, not to mention; boys. *Sighs* You think I got so much time for boys, meh? The thought of being in a relationship scares me. For now, anyway. The thought of my past traumatizes me time and again. Gosh, I’ll never want to be in that position again. It’s hard and it takes too much energy, commitment and not to mention, getting emotionally entangled. Quoting from my sister,

“Jan, you just haven’t found the right one yet.”

Yeah, probably. Anyways, both of my parents were having this conversation with me (concise version):

Mum: (with a motherly tone) Jan, you better be careful when you’re in NZ, okay? Never go to any place alone. Make sure you go in a group or with a friend. Don’t simply go out with any guy who wants to date you.

Me: *rolls eyes*

Dad: Yeah, don’t you go and get an amo (Caucasian/White/Maori) boyfriend. Don’t you dare bring him home.

Me:*scoffs and rolls eyes* Please la. (pause for a moment). So what if I did? If I like him leh?

Dad: I’ll skin him alive! Naked!

Me: Eh, Auntie (some auntie la) said, never said never leh. The more you don’t want. The more you will get it. Auntie said to just let it be and trust in the Lord. Heh. *laughs cheekily*

Mum: Yerr... amo guys cheat on their wives, you know.

Me: Mum, you can’t say that to all amo guys, you know. We can’t simply judge them like that.

Dad: You just better don’t.

Me: LOL!

Dad: *grunts*

Oh well, I had a good laugh. Dad doesn’t approve of the Whites. But anything goes. Oh well, am off to bed now. Got a long day tomorrow.

Good night :)

Food & Men

I just don’t understand this. I feel nauseated. I am so fed up of eating. It looks like I’m not grateful to our Heavenly Father for food. Okay, it is not what you think. Just hear me out while I moan and groan.

You may not understand me especially men out there. Food for me is just food. Food to nourish one’s body with nutrients for maintenance of life and growth, not forgetting energy to do our daily tasks in life.

Okay, I’ll admit. I do like certain food. I love tea-time especially- cakes, cookies, chocolates, etc. Mmmm... the list goes on. Something sweet to indulge myself in. But I take everything moderately. That is what I don’t understand about my family. They LOVE food (and I know many of you men too). I’m not saying it’s wrong to love food. And I praise God that He has blessed us with good food everyday! But one thing that I really dislike about my family is that they have no self-control especially when it comes to eating. They can eat and eat and eat. Do you know, that my dad and my cute younger brother can talk about where they’re going to eat next when they are in the midst of having their lunch?? Hilarious, I tell you.

We’re such gluttons. Do you know that self-control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit? (Galatians 5:22-23) I realized that one day when I was nagging at my family about self-control. Anyway, I can only do so much. I did my part and just let them be. I am just worried about their health. But what can I do if they love eating. I can only remind them from time to time and try not to sound so naggy. Heh. Well, what can I say… food makes them happy. Hmmm… that sounds familiar? *winks*

Everyday, we eat really good food. We go to different Chinese restaurants (mostly non air-condition) to the point where I am so fed up. Chinese food is one thing, but the amount of food they eat… err, you DON’T want to know. Most of the time, I find that I have to force myself to finish it. Terrible, I tell you. These past few days, I have sort of lost my appetite. But I just shove food down my throat for the sake of eating. You don’t want me to get a gastric now, don’t you? When I think of food, somehow I feel a little nauseated. Just sick of eating for now. So you can imagine now how much food my family feeds me. I think I am so used to starving myself in Cyberjaya, not having good food on my table. But here… heh. It’s heaven man!

Okay, I’m done whining for now.

What Anger Does

Okay, it's not a good feeling.

What happened yesterday was something which I will never want to repeat again. I was angry with this person (whose name I will not reveal, of course) who kept insulting my designs. And so I expressed my anger... well, in a way I never did before (for some time now).

I exploded and screamed at the top of my lungs.

I realized I haven't been expressing anger this way for a very long time. God knows how long it must've been. When I finally came to my senses, I realized that it was very unwise for me to burst my temper like that. Maybe I should consider what this person had said. But, I know I'm not totally incorrect either. I do have logically reasons for my designs, you know. In short, I know my stuff.

This person kept pushing me to a corner where I finally could not contain my anger. Maybe, that's the whole problem with me. I have too much pride and I got angry because my pride was hurt.

After everything, I tried to relax and calm myself down. But I found it really hard to do so. I felt that my heart was beating at an unusual fast pace. I tried listening to music. That didn't work. I tried calming myself down and waited for my heart to beat normally. But I was still trying to catch my breath. I was very unease and totally lost my mood and concentration to do my designs. I was really worked up and decided to sleep early last night.

And today, I got this massive, throbbing headache since this morning due to the incident. My neck and shoulders are stiff and aching. I felt too giddy to do my designs and decided to take a short afternoon nap which came to about 3 1/2 hours... and guess what? The headache's still there. I even tried taking Berocca (some orange soluble tablet). That didn't work either. Instead, I got a diarrhea. I don't know what's wrong with me these past few days. Getting easily irritated and angry. Maybe, the stress is taking a toll on me due to finishing my dad's designs and I got a LOT of packing to do.

I realized anger got the better of me. I got ill. Just an advice for you guys:

Get a hold of your anger before it gets a hold of you.

This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

Quoting from Public Affairs, American Psychological Association

For more on anger, read here.

I didn't know that this is what anger can do to me.